Mary Sues, The Destruction of
by IceKitty
Summary: A humourous story of a girl and her assignment to rid the Kingdom Hearts world of Mary Sues. Rating is just for freedom.
1. Mary Sues, The Destruction of

Kitty: O….K….. Well. This is a rather weird little idea I've had floating around in my head for a while, so…. I decided to give it a try. Comments and suggestions are VERY welcome. Also, I think I wouldn't mind some requests either. O.o

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Kasumi looked around, seemingly a bit shocked. There was no particular reason she was looking around, other than that it seemed the proper thing to do at the moment; there was nothing but darkness around her. Suddenly, the loud sound of a spotlight turning on was heard and she was blinded by a rather abrupt change in lighting. She covered her eyes, muttering incoherently.

"A-_hem_." The voice that made this little cough was very business-like. Kasumi could not tell whether it was the voice of a man or a woman. "Let it be recorded that one 'Kasumi' was summoned here on-"

"Um…."

"-September fourth, year two-thousand and five to complete-"

"Hello…?"

"-her assignment given and accepted date September fourth, year one-thousand and ninety-"

"…I didn't sign up for anything…" At this the voice finally paused, and by it's silence Kasumi could tell that its owner was confused.

"What?"

"I didn't sign up for any 'assignment'. Heck, I wasn't even _alive_ then. I'm only fourteen…." The voice gave an embarrassed cough.

"According to our records…" There was a rustle of paper. "You did. Now then, let's get going, shall we."

"Get going whe-" Alas, poor Kasumi did not get to finish this question. The spotlight shut off and she had the sensation of falling very quickly.

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Kasumi awoke to find herself floating in mid-air over a splotch of land in the middle of a large amount of water that she immediately identified as Destiny Island. "Wow…. It looks different from up here…." She stopped as the reality of this hit her. "Wait…. Up here? Oh sn-" Again she felt the uncomfortable sensation of falling very quickly. She landed on the sand very hard, leaving a crater. She sat up, brushing sand off of herself.

"Well, that was exhilarating." She stopped mid-brush. "Wait…. How am I still alive!" Just as she was beginning to panic about this, something hard hit her head. "OW!" She picked it up from where it had bounced off of her head and landed in the sand. It was a clipboard. A rather boring looking clipboard. She blinked, her dark hazel eyes' gaze stopping on a rather boring print on the front of a large packet of papers clipped to the clipboard. It read:

**"Mary-Sues, The Destruction of"**

The title looked like it had been copied directly off of a library book list. The author's name was below it, but as that name is completely impossible to pronounce, we shall leave it off. Just for convenience. Really. It's not because I'm lazy or anything….

Kasumi stared at the title for a few moments. Then, just out of curiousity, she pulled back the cover page and read;

"**Mary-Sues, The Destruction of: Chapter 1; Recognizing Them"**

Below that was a list of Mary-Sue characteristics, all next to tiny, official-looking black bullets. The next few chapters, each only a few pages long, were all about Mary-Sues, recognizing them, and instructions on destroying them, but Kasumi did not bother to look. Instead, a yellow sticky note attached to the back of the cover page did. She pulled it off and read it.

"Your assignment is to assist in the destruction of Mary-Sues. You will do so by guiding their targets, 'Sora' and 'Riku', code named 'Sora' and 'Riku', through their respective roles and instructing them on proper removal of Mary-Sues. Please read this entire instruction manual.

Voice,

The Committee for the Destruction of Mary-Sues"

After she read this, all Kasumi could think for a few moments was that it was weird that, though written by hand, this note looked amazingly like it had been typed. The next thought was that Voice was a rather weird name….

"Hey, are you okay?" Kasumi looked up. Sora. Not surprising. He _was_, after all, the person she was supposed to be helping here. It felt like nothing could surprise her right then. "Hey! Girl!"

"What?" said Kasumi, rather irritated. She was busy thinking this over. How the _heck_ did she get roped into this?

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Kitty: Ah…. This seems a good place to end this chapter. Don't worry, I'll keep writing…. Reviews would be encouraging though. ;;;

Ja


	2. Basic Mary Sue Removal

Kitty: Sorry this took so long. O.o

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Sora blinked. "Sorry for breathing…." he said, a bit irritated. Kasumi just stared at him for a few moments before reality sunk in. She was sitting there, looking at one of her very favorite game characters, whom she had been assigned to help. She blinked a few times.

"….Oh… my… GOSH!I've gone CRAZY!" She smacked her head with the clipboard. Sora just watched, looking very confused. After she'd smacked herself a few times, he decided to stop her.

"Hey, you know you really shouldn't-" He reached for her wrist but stopped speaking when his hand went right through it. "…do… that…." He tried again, this time getting her attention. His hand passed right through her again. They both stared. Then, a few moments later, all heck broke loose.

A girl with very unusual colored hair walked up. She had, of course, a perfect figure, physically impossible rainbow colored eyes, and also physically impossible 'natural' neon green hair. The look was complete with incredibly tacky, bright clothes that clashed horribly. The two of them stared at her. "Who the heck're-"

Sora was interrupted by the girl suddenly jumping at him, knocking him over and landing them both on the ground. "Oh Sora, darling, I missed you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!" Sora blinked and shoved her away, wriggling out of her grasp. He ran over and hid behind a very confused and now standing upright Kasumi.

"Who are you and what do you want!" The girl stared at him for a few seconds before bursting into tears. Kasumi and Sora just stood there, looking very confused. Then, realization dawned on Kasumi's face. This had to be a Mary Sue! As she re-opened the manual and began mentally checking off the number of matching characteristics between this girl and the list of a Mary Sue's, Sora carefully walked out from behind her.

"How could you Sora! And after all we've been through!" She started sobbing again. Sora just kind of stood there, looking uncomfortable. Suddenly she stopped crying and pounced on him again. He let out a surprised squeak and fell over again. Poor boy seemed to be doing that a lot today. "But no matter! We'll be married soon and we'll lbe together and be happy forever and ever and ever and…."

Sora screamed very loudly. "But…. But…. I'm only fourteen! I'M TOO YOUNG TO GET MARRIED!" he wailed. "I don't even KNOW you!" he said, desperately trying to pry her off of him. Suddenly she stopped squeezing the air out of him and let go. He scrambled up and hid behind Kasumi again. The girl just sat there for a few moments before starting to cry her eyes out again.

"Oh Sora!" she wailed. "You promised you'd never forget meeee!" Sora wisely decided to stay behind Kasumi this time. Kasumi grinned as she finished tallying up the matching characteristics.

"Ahah! Just as I thought. This, my dear boy, is a Mary Sue." Sora looked at her like she was crazy, but deciding she was the lesser of two evils, continued using her as a human shield. The Mary Sue continued to sob as though she hadn't heard a word. Kasumi cleared her throat and began to read the next chapter of the book; "**Chapter 2: Basic Mary Sue Removal**" This section was very small, but then again…. It _was _only the 'basics'. All it said was; "**Have your bishie smack them until they go away**." "Well, that was straightforward. Sora, go smack her." Sora looked up at her again, seriously thinking about the 'lesser of two evils' decision.

"What? But…. I mean…. It's just some girl that probably has mental problems or something…." Kasumi gave him a stern look. He gulped and carefully sidled out from behind her, pulling his wooden sword out of seemingly nowhere. Kasumi wondered how he did that as he advanced on the sobbing Mary Sue. He stopped, the sword raised above her. "But… this doesn't seem right…." The Mary Sue took this chance to pounce again.

"Oh Sora!" She squealed as she tackled him. This time luck was on his side, and he did not fall over. "I _knew_ you wouldn't leave me! I knew you loved me!" She squeezed him so hard he couldn't breathe and was starting to turn slightly blue. Finally giving up, Sora gave her a little tap with his wooden sword and it passed right through her. She disappeared in a cloud of smoke and he fell back, landing very painfully on his butt.

"Ow…. What was that all about?" Sora stood up, rubbing his backside. Kasumi snickered slightly. Her first Mary Sue! It gave her the contented feeling of a job well done. But wait…. '_What about Ri-'_ A very manly scream broke her train of thought. Whoops. She _knew_ she'd been forgetting something.

"No time to explain! Let's go!" She ran off in the direction the scream had come from, Sora following behind and still looking very confused.

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Kitty: O.o Ok. Well. There you go. Chapter 2.

Ja!


	3. MarySue Pattern Baldness

Oh my. I've neglected this, I'm afraid. But I'm back, thanks to Agent 402. Thanks a lot:D Now, to the crazy swirling vortex of insane ideas and Mary-Sues this story is!

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"He's mine!"

"No, he's MINE!"

"WOULD YOU JUST LET GO OF ME!"

"SHUT UP!"

"RAAAH!"

This was about what things sounded like as Kasumi, Sora in tow, stepped out of the door and onto the ledge that was connected to the mini-island by a wooden bridge. "Oh boy…."

"Riku!" Sora cried, worried for his best friend. The silver-haired young man was currently rather distressed himself. Two girls (both with inconveniently long black hair and red eyes) were latched on to either one of his arms and seemed to be having a match of tug-o-war, with Riku as the living (and yelling) rope.

"Sora! Get them OFF OF ME!" Riku yelled at the top of his lungs. A rather amused Tidus watched from a safe distance, Wakka and Selphie next to him. Kasumi could only grin to herself. If they were all going to be this easy to identify, then why was she still carrying her Mary-Sue manual around?

"Yeah Sora, go help him out." she instructed. She smiled contentedly as Sora ran over and smacked one of the girls with his sword… and she didn't disappear. There was silende for just a moment, and then a simultaneous "Uh oh…." from the girl and both her wards.

"RAAAAAH!" The girl let go of Riku's arm and dove at Sora, knocking him over and grabbing his hair firmly with both hands.

"HEY! THAT HURTS! AHHHHH!" shrieked the spiky haired boy as said hair was pulled at viciously. He scrambled to his feet and ran for it, but to no avail. The Mary-Sue chased him relentlessly pulling at his hair mercilessly.

"Um… oopsy?" Kasumi had to admit that she was a least a little amused, even if this did mean that she was currently terrible at her job. She looked over to Riku, who was still trying to pry the other girl off of his arm. "Ah heh heh heh…." She walked over, watching the girl carefully. "Hey, uh, missy, you might wanna let go of hi-"

"YOU GET AWAY FROM MY RIKU!"

"Oh SNAP!"

Kasumi turned and ran for it as the girl _roared_ and charged at her. "A LITTLE HELP HERE?" she screamed over her shoulder at the silver haired boy. It turned out it wasn't necessary; the girl disappeared with a loud 'POOF', and Riku was left waving the dust away from his face and coughing, wooden sword in hand. "Whew…. Thanks buddy. Y'know, _you_ I can work with, but your friend…" She looked down to the shore below where Sora was still running for his life (and hair) with the other Mary Sue close behind, fingers still tangled in his hair. "…not so much. You need to teach him to hit girls on command."

Riku looked at her as if she was insane, which would have been a reasonable assumption in this case. She stared back for a few moments, only blinking when Sora wailed something about 'not being old enough to go bald'. She had a nasty habit of liking to creep people out. "…Okay, better go save him." She was about to go back down the stairs when she paused. Weeell, she _had_ always wondered if she could land well jumping from this height…. Better now than never. She ran to the edge and jumped off with a "BANZAI!" She was about to hit the ground when she… just stopped falling. "Okay, what?" She looked down, confused. She was hovering. Ah.

"Cool, I can totally fly! YES!" One of the other things she'd always wanted to do.

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That's it for now.


End file.
